The Smoke Has Been Heavy

The Smoke Has Been Heavy

Hello Beautiful Soul!

So much has happened in this last week...more for the world at large than personally. There's been fires 45 minutes South of me and 45 minutes North of me. One evening I raced to get home from Williams Lake, observing that the fire had grown exponentially in size in a short period of time, good intentions cast aside, because there was talk of the highway closing and the possibility I would be separated from my husband and younger son for an unknown amount of time. I bailed on a client - a client I have been trying to see for months, things just haven't come together for either of us. 

Insert spiritual anecdote here: I'm sure there's a bigger reason than I can even fathom as to why we haven't connected yet. The Universe has a plan. 

That same day, another repeat client had to cancel because of a death in the family...and another client postponed a memorial a couple of days later because of the wildfires raging around BC and travel was a challenge. 

I suppose the take home from these kinds of experiences is that we don't really have control of the external world, so many moving parts - usually things come together without a hitch - and sometimes they don't. Also, it was the end of Mercury Retrograde, July 23rd, so, there's still some energy that needs working through. 

Personally, I've kind of been on a PTSD-rollercoaster - triggered by the smoke, mainly. I haven't really seen any flames. I've only heard that prayers need to happen while evacuation orders are being made in various locations throughout BC. I've definitely been praying for rain (using Gregg Braden's method of feeling it as if it's happening) - and wouldn't you know it - there's been a few good downpours (one that created so much darkness that it was like, midnight at 2pm...thunder and lightning for quite awhile throughout). I'm certain prayer works, and I believe we need to keep doing it.

What's really interesting to observe, is that my intuitive gifts almost seem to be stronger - I suppose when the urge is survival, there's not a whole lot of other distractions. 

...still, the Self-Doubt Creeps in...

...despite everything I know. Everything I channel and tell my clients. Everything I channel and remind myself. I still have self-doubt. That part of myself that wants to put everyone else's needs first, to please people, to make sure that I don't upset any apple carts creeps in...

...it keeps me stuck, small, not seeing the full picture. 

I found myself almost feeling badly that I am an intuitive healer/tea leaf reader, that as if my natural, innate ability - truly, a big part of who I am at my core - had no use in times like these. As if I don't also have a right to also earn a living with my innate abilities. As if I don't also have the right to get away from the smoke to protect my health. I kept telling myself - that those needs, those resources are for others, and I shouldn't access things that I need, and deserve. That it does hurt financially when work falls through - whether it be because of natural disaster or otherwise - this is my bread and butter. This is how I support my family. It's pretty messed up thinking, to convince myself that perhaps it's not ok to be who I am and do what I need to do. 

I equate it to the PTSD - the smoke clouds my judgment, makes things unclear, harder to see - also to reading too much on Facebook, getting too caught up in the dominating opinions of others. Of course I care, if I can help others in any way, I always have and I always will. I do not have to prove my worth or worthiness. That, too, is innate. For each one of us. 

Stepping Out of Conditioning

So, yeah - it's important for people like me - for me - to keep showing up and offering my gifts. I am needed, especially when it comes to being over-run by thoughts of uncertainty, worry, doubt - all the feelings that are triggered by the smoke, by the fire...by possibly, or even certainly, losing your home or livelihood. It's important for people to have a safe place to release their grief and worry, a safe sanctuary to navigate, a place sheltered from the storm. 

Blessings & Love,

Cecilia